Rangeen Neighbourhood

"Mera naam hai Ahsan Haseeb aur main hun aik happy muhallay daar." (I know this is UBL's promo line, I just thought of using it awein hi!) Neighbourhood. We all live in a nice one and since I haven't seen any desi tarrkay wali post about it anywhere else, so I thought I should give it a try and share what I think of neighbourhoods and especially the people (+ the namoonay) with all of you.

There are a lot of different and interesting characters that live in your street. All it takes is take some time off from whatever you do regularly and observe everyone in your muhalla. I did it! Well, because I'm pretty waila at the moment and also because I like it, aik alag hi hobby hai yeh people watching wali bhi. Jis ne bhi shuru ki thi woh saray stalkers ka peyo hai! Anyway. I got to observe a lot of unusual and weird characters in the past couple of days and I must admit that I enjoyed it a bit. Made me laugh.

The first character and the funniest one is the extreme "poond" of your muhalla. Is banday ne kisi larrki ko nahi bakhsha, har aati jati larrki pe is ne line maarni hoti hai and what's worse is that they call their every friend up and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is, "Jaldi pohanch, bohat mahaul hai." . He's probably a college drop out and doesn't do anything at all and even if he does, he leaves the work at noon and starts roaming around in streets on his "cool" bike (which isn't really cool at all, dekh ke dil karta hai foran se paishtar aag laga dun!). I also thought of a special term to describe him and that term is Najayez Shahrukh Khan. (I swear it sounded really funny in my head when I was observing him). In "poonds" ki koi age restriction nahi, I have even seen 25-year-olds, I'm pretty sure a lot of people have seen them, too. Yeh hotay hein frustration ke maaray ke why the hell are they not getting married. Yaar, kaam karo gay tou shaadi hogi na. Awein koi utha ke apni beti dey dey aap ko? Ja ke 3 Idiots dekho pehlay, idiot admi! This guy ends his day with smoking a cigarette (probably Benson & Hedges ke packet mein K2) and doing a shodi of what we call "wheeliyan". One-wheeling kiye beghair in hazraat ka din pura nahi hota aur jab chott lagti hai tou marnay walay huay hotay hein. Bazu pe halkay se bruises hotay hein aur ji Shaukat Basra ki tarah sar pe puray hospital mein maujood pattiyan bandhwa letay hein. In se door hi rahiye warna yeh apko bhi apnay jaisa kar dein gay!

Moving on to what I call a "khar dimagh" muhallay daar. Yeh log har waqt ghussay mein rehtay hein. Subah office jatay huay ghussa, office se wapis aye tou tab bhi ghussa! Nass nass mein bhara hai in ke ghussa. Lagta hai in logon ko apni biwiyon se aala qism ki kutt parrti hogi. If somebody parks their car in front of this khar dimagh muhalla daar's house then what happens has been briefly explained in the tweet below.

#FavouritePunjabiLines: "Aey gaddi twaddi aey?" ... "Aho!" ... "Tey apnay buway aggay khilaro, meray naal pehn veyayi aey?

— Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) March 18, 2013

It gets worse at times. Chapairrein shapairrein aur kussun mukkay aur pata nahi kia kia. In uncles se jitna door raha jaye, apki zindagi utni hi asaan hai. Ya agar itna hi shoq hai tou every time you see them, greet them with a genuine smile on your face. It will make them feel good. I have tried it. Ab pata nahi woh uncle tharki thay ya  waqayi mein he felt good. God knows!

:bell baji aik dum: "KOOOOONNN?" ... "Aunty, ball ayi hai apke ghar!" Now, there are two possibilities to this situation. Either it's "Aik second beta, abhi deti hun!" or it's "Chalo nasso aidron, beghairato! Koi nai milni baal shaal." It all depends on how you treat your neighbours lekin kuch auntiyon ko wakhri hi koi tapp hoti hai galli ke har bachay pe because in that pack of kids, there is that one kid jo sab ke gharon ki bellein baja ke bhagta hai but he never gets caught. Is baat ka badla woh aunty ball phaarr ke bahir gali mein phenk kar utaarti hein. In bachon mein woh bachay bhi hein jo bilawajah gali mein idhar udhar dorrtay rahein gay. Na koi maqsad na kuch aur phir jab chott lagay gi tou muhallay ke usi "poond" pe ilzaam aye ga ke, "Haaaye, munda maar ditta aes bekaar insaan ne!" Waisay us poond ki aik counter-part larrki poond bhi hoti hai. I'm sorry, girls, but it is true and you are gonna have to accept it. Yeh larrkiyan kabhi kabhi un male "poonds" se bhi chaar hath agay hoti hein. Aur jab pakri jati hein ghar tou they put all the blame on those male "poonds". Matlab ke, puray muhallay ich sab taun kutteyan aali ausay poond naal e hondi aey!

There are those aunties jo muhallay mein larraiyan karwati hein. We call them Phaphay Kuttniyan. Idhar ki sun ke udhar teeli laga di, udhar se sun ke kahin aur teeli laga di. Yehi maqsad hai in auntiyon ka bas. Apnay bachay vi nai saambhdi aey auntiyan tey! In auntiyon se bachnay ka aik hi tareeqa hai ke inhein kuch bataya hi na jaye. Trust me, I have met a lot of aunties of this type and may God have mercy upon us, these aunties can make you look like a complete fool. Yeh wohi auntiyan hein jo har larrki ko "Beta tumhari shadi bhi bas honay wali hai!" wali line bolti hein. Kuch auntiyan woh bhi hein jo din mein pichhattar crore rotiyan khati hein aur phir shaam ko gali mein walk karti nazar aati hein. Why? Because screw logic, that's why! In auntiyon ka aik kilo wazan kam ho jaye tou in se barra "fitness expert" hi koi nahi hota puri dunya mein.

Another thing that gathers my attention is the increase in street crimes. I have experienced it, too. In October 2011, two guys on a motorcycle (probably chori ki) snatched my phone, my wallet and a 1.5 liter bottle of Coke (sab se ziada ghussa isi baat ka aya tha mujhay, LOL. Okay, sorry!). I asked them to at least give me my sim card back so that I wouldn't have to go and get it blocked. You know what the guy said? "Denna main tennu sim!" And, then he pushed my away and they rode away. (Note: THOSE GUYS HAD A FREAKING GUN!) You can't do anything when someone is pointing a gun towards you and that, too, so close. Unless you're the Great Gama or even Punjabi films ka hero, jo pachaas lakh goliyan khanay ke bawajud chal phir raha hota hai. So hardcore. What I'm trying to say is that your muhallay daar don't move forward to help you, usually. When this incident was happening, I could clearly see an uncle who was watching this whole scene from his balcony but he didn't bother to do anything. I hate that uncle (dil karta hai bori banwa dun unki kisi din). I know what you're thinking. "Gali ka chokidar kidhar tha?" Right? No? :okay face: The chokidaars are sleeping while sitting on their seats every time you see them. Aik dou ghantay seetiyan maari aur phir ghoray baich ke sotay rahay puri raat.

The thing that annoys me the most is I can clearly hear all sorts of noises but when I start playing drums tou sab ko keerra larr jata hai koi. They couldn't see my happy? Well, that was my previous neighbourhood. Is naye walay mein no tension, piyo Benson, khush raho Ahsan type scene hai. (I don't smoke, that's just a lame shayari. Not even shayari, actually!)

There is another type, too. MY TYPE! They don't make any friends because they don't really like people. They like to live in their own world or just hang out with those people who they REALLY like (zabardasti!). Is tarah ke log are socially awkward but once they're frank with you, you'd see their awesome side. (LULZ!)

Sab baaton ki aik baat. Neighbourhood is an essential part of our lives. We can't live where there is nobody to interact with. Akelay deewarein dekh dekh ke banda mar jaye. I'm absolutely sure that there are a lot of other characters who are even more interesting and maybe, I'll cover them sometime in future (nangay nahi ghoom rahay woh tou don't take it in that sense. I mean un ke baaray mein likhun ga. Okay, this was a terrible joke!).

Tab tak ke liye... feel free to like and comment!

Regards,

Apka bhai. 

Jobless Honay Ki Kahani, Aik Lifeless Banday Ki Zubani.

As you know I'm "jobless" at the moment, I decided to take some time off from my regular activities and write about how "exciting" my life really is these days. :yawns: I graduated in August 2012 (I'm an ACCA affiliate and I also have a BSc. (Hons.) in Applied Accounting degree, Alhamdulillah. And ladies, please, no rishta scene for a while, okay?). I still remember that was one of the happiest days of my life that I finally achieved what I had been wishing for since 2010 and I would enter the corporate world and start working like those accountants you see on TV series/movies (too much influence, I know). But the truth is, I have never been so wrong and let me tell you HOW.

I applied at a few companies of my choice right after I graduated and was hoping that I would get a lot of calls for interviews and whatnot. But... NO ONE CALLED ME BACK! I'm not frustrated by this, it's their loss, why would I worry about it? No, I'm not worrying about it. If I find something offensive, that would be this ridiculous fact that a lot of Pakistani companies NEVER respond to your queries. They never send you a rejection letter, they never let you know that you were not selected. Aik basic tameez hoti hai ke yaar apki company pe kisi ne apply kiya hai tou agar woh vacany nahi available tou bata hi dou baqi sab ko, takay woh martay dum tak intezar tou na karein. And when I call them up, they say, "Sir, jobs available hi nahi hein, hum kia karein? Aap elections ke baad apply kijiye ga." What am I supposed to do until then? Koi political party join kar ke unki campaign mein dhamalein daalun? They're kinda right, you know. There are no jobs, thanks to our own PPP. "Roti, Kapra aur Makaan" ka naara tou laga diya lekin jin ke paas yeh sab tha bhi, ab unke paas bhi nahi raha. I can't blame them, though. It's our own fault. Anyway, I was talking about the basic tameez. I don't know about you guys but I never got any response from any of the companies. Maybe, I applied at the wrong companies or maybe, I'm BAD LUCK BRIAN in this particular matter.

Another thing that gets on my nerves is misleading job advertisements. A couple of months ago, I saw this ad posted on a social networking site, I opened the link to get on the official page of that certain organization. That post was something like this (not the exact format, I don't remember the designation and besides, I want to highlight the qualification and experience requirements):

Qualification: ACCA Finalist

Experience: 5-6 years

THIS IS FUNNY!!! They wanted an ACCA finalist but the one with 5-6 years of experience. Is this a joke or what? I think they are the pioneers of trolling. I almost applied at this organization after having seen that I was meeting their qualification requirement but when I scrolled down and saw the experience requirement, I closed that page. How on earth an ACCA finalist will get the experience of so many years!? If there were 2-3 years, I would have agreed with it a bit as ACCA affiliates are required to get 3 years practical experience to become members. But that's not the question here. I mean, WHY? As Veena Malik would say, "Mufti sahab, yeh kia baat hui!?" These job posters need some lectures or something to learn how to post a job properly. I'm not going to disclose the name of the organization, but I've actually told a few people about it and they were as angry as I was at that moment.

#10ThingsIGetAlot 1.Job mili? 2.Job mili? 3.Job mili? 4.Job mili? 5.Job mili? 6.Job mili? 7.Job mili? 8.Job mili? 9.Job mili? 10.Job mili?

— Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) March 15, 2013

LULZ. The above tweet is a fine example of my interaction with almost every family member at any gathering. Whenever I meet somebody, the first question that comes out of their mouth is, "Job mili, Ahsan?" KIA YAAAR!? Main koi Indiana Jones hun jo adventure pe nikla hua hun aur job koi hidden treasure hai jo mujhay mil jaye ga? And, by the way...

Job hunting > The adventures of Indiana Jones

But, honestly, I'm fed up of these questions. I've had enough of it. Aunty, agar mujhay job mil jaye gi tou main sab se pehlay aap ko hi bataun ga. Chill karein. The funny bit is that even those people ask me this question who don't do anything at all. No job, no family business. Nothing at all. I think they just do it to annoy me like anything and they have accomplished that mission, to some extent. Obviously, I get frustrated by answering the same damn question over and over again. It's an equivalent of that beta, tumhari bhi shadi honay wali hai bas! statement that aunties say to every other girl they see. The only difference is I actually have to provide them with an answer. Otherwise, they think I'm not "serious" and I don't wanna work. Uncle pls! Main ne ghar mein bethnay ke liye nahi ki parhayi! Aap ja ke apna tidd andar karein pehlay. And there are those uncles who always ask for your CV every time you meet them. They're like, "Beta, mujhay apna CV dey dou. Job pakki samjho bas apni." These uncles are even worse than those people who ask you that "Job mili?" question. Yeh uncles bilawajah ke laaray laga detay hein lekin job par nahi lagwa kar detay. I'm sure there are a lot of people who have experienced this at least once in their lives. What can we do? CV tou dena parrta hai warna apko apke abba jee ki death stares se koi nahi bacha sakta baad mein. Just kidding (I wish I were).

I recently applied at Coca Cola for Management Training Program (I know, you already know about it and if you didn't, welcome to the club), took their test and after waiting for two weeks (17 days, to be precise), I got a text message that I have passed their test and I will be shortly contacted for further interview processes. THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT THIS! I was so happy that day. A PAKISTANI company gave me a response and that, too, positive. A million thanks to Allah! But that still won't change what I think about their "basic tameez" of replying to job applicants. Anyway, I'm still awaiting the call for "further interview processes". Hopefully, they would contact me before the next government dissolves. Let's drink Coke to that! (they did not ask me to do this, I swear. I just love Coke way too much!)

After doing all this bakwas, I still have to say something. Never lose hope. This is the real lesson I've learned in this phase. Jab qismat mein likha hoga, rizq tab hi milay ga. No one can do anything to change that. We can try, of course and we need to. Koshish ke beghair tou aaj kal larrki bhi set nahi hoti. Yes, I also give dating tips at times.

Anyway... "Just chill, you'll get a job one day." That's what I tell myself everyday. And Insha'Allah, I WILL!

Yours truly,

Another jobless citizen of Pakistan but the cooler one (Is bongi pe mera watercooler banta hai Tariq Aziz ki taraf se)

Reminder

Hello, all! In case, you're not seeing any latest reviews, go to Quick Reviews page and you'll see a couple of short reviews (I'll keep updating that page). I'll only post full reviews on major films and only those will be shown on my home page and archives. Thank you!