Baaaaaaa-ri Eid

HELLO, EVERYONE!

Main janta hun ke kafi arsay baad blog pe apni shakal dikhayi hai, lekin yaqeen maniye main ne zara miss nahin kiya. Haha, seriously, I was kind of busy all this time. Man has a job to do. Man has to sleep, eat and sleep again. Anyway, Eid ke is pur mussarat moqay par socha ke apni kuch chawalon se aap logon ko mehzooz karun.
(tell me, how many of you had to read 'pur mussarat' and 'mehzooz' twice?)

So, the topic I'm going to write about is Eid. Hum sab log Eid manatay hein lekin sab ka Eid mananay ka tareeqa alag hai. Aur aaj main isi baray mein likhnay ki koshish karun ga. As usual, kafi logon ko meri baatein shayad offensive lagein aur woh comments kar ke bharras nikalein. Please do that. Main comments approve hi nahin karun ga. Look, what is this!

Sab se pehlay baat shuru kartay hein Chaand Raat se. Aur baat kartay hein bazaron mein rush ki, jahan khareedar kam aur woh log ziada hotay hein jo ghar se soch ke nahin atay ke unhon ne jana kidhar hai. In mein ziada tadaad hai boyses ki. Poondi karnay walay boyses. In larkon ke paas Chaand Raat pe sirf dou kaam hotay hein. Apni bike ko race dena (petrol chahay andar sirf 5 rupay ka hi kyun na ho) aur larkiyon ko aisay dekhna jaisay zindagi mein kabhi nahin dekha aur aaj akhri baar dekh rahay hein. In ke liye wohi Eid hoti hai jab koi larki ghalati se murr ke inhein dekh ley. Yeh larkay puri raat bazaron mein dhakkay khatay hein aur milta inhein kuch bhi nahin. Mazay ki baat yeh hai ke dil ko tassalli denay ke liye batatay hein aik dusray ko ke, "itni bachiyon ne dekha bhai ko," with a huge grin on their faces. Asal mein chahay koi khusra bhi lift na karwata ho. Who knows.

Ab zahir hai ke jo puri raat bazaron mein phirta rahay, woh subah jaldi tou uthta nahin Eid ki namaz ke liye aur aksar log chorr detay hein. Aisay logon ki tunni (belly button) pe talwar ki nauk se gudgudi karni chahiye. Khair, main yahan koi namaz ka dars nahin dey raha beth ke waisay bhi. Aap ne parhni hein tou parhein lekin agar Masjid mein jagah nahin mil rahi tou agay aisay taap ke matt jayein jaisay hurdle race chal rahi hai koi.

3 types of lucky people in world: -Who always get green light in traffic. -Who dodge their ammi's flying chapal. -Who get Eidi on Bakra Eid.

— Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) October 14, 2013

:Eid: Kid1: Mujhe Rs. 5,000 Eidi mili! Kid2: Mujhe Rs. 10,000! Kid3: Beta mujhe Rs. 20,000! Asal mein chahay teenon ko 50, 50 rupay mili ho.

— Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) August 2, 2013

Ab bari aati hai EIDI ki. Eid-ul-Fitr pe tou usually sab ko kafi ziada Eidi milti hai. (jin logon ko nahin milti woh tissue paper apnay sath rakhein ya konay mein ja kar royein) Asal miracle tou woh hota hai jab kisi ko Eid-ul-Azha pe Eidi milti hai. (baat pe ghor karein, mujhay yeh matt batayein if it's Eid-ul-Azha or Eid-al-Adha) Jin ko Eid-ul-Azha par bhi Eidi milti hai, yeh woh log hein:

- Jin ki gali mein cricket kheltay huay kabhi kisi sarrial aunty ke ghar ball nahin gayi,
- Jin ka biskut toot ke chai mein nahin gira,
- Jo competition mein participate nahin kartay aur phir bhi jeet jatay hein.

Yeh woh log hein jin ko mera chappairrein karanay ka dil karta hai... Eid-ul-Azha pe bhi Eidi mil jaye apko aur aap tab bhi kahein ke, "kia yaar kia maatthi qismat hai apni" tou qasam se aap ko 21 topon ki salami denay chahiye, topon ka munh apki taraf kar ke. (please no dirty jokes) Kuch aisay relatives bhi hotay hein jo Eidi denay ke mamlay mein tang kartay hein. They ask you how much Eidi do you want and then deliberately give you a coin or 10 rupee note and that can piss anyone off. That's just like I'm-going-to-nuclear-bomb-you-to-death pissing you off. Here is a piece of advice: Never be that uncle who does this crap to kids. Apni taraf se barra mazaq kartay hein but it really doesn't make anyone laugh especially after doing it on EVERY FREAKING Eid.

Let's talk about Eid-ul-Azha and frequent visits to the doctor during and/or after Eid. Since you all know, Eid pe qurbani ka gosht hi pakta hai ziada. (confession time: I don't like the taste of qurbani ka gosht, at all) Ab log kia kartay hein, qurbani ka gosht itna ziada kha letay hein ke ya tou tabiyat kharab hoti hai ya phir tabiyat hi kharab hoti hai. An average Pakistani usually requires more than half of the entire function's food to decide and finally say it out loud whether the spices in the food were of right amount or not. Aur yeh har occasion pe hota hai. Pichhattar naan aur 2 kilo quorma kha ke kehtay hein ke, "khana bas theek hi tha..." Aisay log wohi hotay hein jin se koi ghalati se cheez toot jaye tou aas paas ghoom rahay kisi bachay pe ilzaam daal detay hein. Khair, baat kar rahay thay hum tabiyat kharab honay ki. Ab jo dangaron ki tarah anney waa khaye ga tou us ki tabiyat hi kharab hogi. Usain Bolt se taiz bhagnay se tou raha woh. Isi liye, is Eid pe is parampara ko torrein aur zara hath hola rakhein. Beshak apke apnay paison ka bakra aya hai, lekin dawai par bhi apke paisay hi kharch honay hein. Unless you're one of those government officers jo nakli parchi bana ke dawai ke paisay nikalta hai hakumat ke khatay mein se. LULZ.

Eid-ul-Azha pe sab se annoying kaam hota hai baar baar ja kar darwaza kholna, kyun ke Eid ke din sirf 2 log atay hein apke ghar; gosht denay walay aur gosht lenay walay. This is how it happens:

:ding dong:
"Kon?"
"Yeh gosht ley lein."
"Acha."
:gosht ley liya, you're about to enter your lounge and someone is at the door again:
"Kon?"
"Goshat haaai?"
"Acha, thehro!"
:gosht dey diya, ab dobara lounge mein ghusay hi thay ke phir se bell baji:
"KON!?"
"Aunnu goshat ditta aey, mainu vi dawo!"
:and then you have to repeat the above process for a million years:
:and when the doorbell rings again and you're so annoyed by it you reply with "AB KON HAI BC!?" and it turns out your favorite* relatives* are at the door:
*I know favorite and relatives are opposite in meaning but come on, kuch relatives achay lag hi jatay hein aap ko.

Har kisi ki gali mein aik aisa shakhs lazmi rehta hota hai jo apna qurbani ka janwar ley ke shokhiyan marta rehta hai puray muhallay mein. (kabhi kabhi aik se ziada bhi ho jatay hein) I call them the Qurbani Douchebags. They don't know anything about the janwar lekin puri gali mein aisay show off karna hai jaisay janwar nashtay mein corn flakes khata hai ya bike pe beth ke one-wheeling karta ho. Aisay logon ko zara careful rehna chahiye, kahin qurbani ka janwar ghussay mein aa ke tudd na maar dein. Aur tudd kha ke agar ghalati se gir gaye aur bakray ne zameen pe already potty ki hui ho tou joke would be on them. Is liye, aisi harkatein karnay se pehlay zara sochiye. And by the way...

Bakray ki potty > Ufone > Pakistani Ads > Waqar Zaka wearing lehnga > Besharam

Qusoor un ka bhi nahin hai. Janwar mehngay hi barray ho gaye hein. Woh din door nahin jab un ko dekhnay ke bhi paisay laga karein gay. I asked this vendor in Bakra Mandi ke bakra kitnay ka hai, to which he replied "Payyan panjaa hazaar da!" (Rs. 50,000) But Seriously, us bakray ka size dekh ke lagta nahin tha ke woh pachaas hazaar ka hai. Bakra kam aur billi ziada lag raha tha woh. Bohat mehngayi hoti ja rahi hai. Jitnay ka bakra hai, utnay ki 2 Honda CD-70 aa jayein, banda doodh dahi ki dukaan laga ley, treat bhi dey dey doston ko tou phir bhi paisay bach jayein. Janwaron se yaad aya apnay mulk mein aik din ke liye Animal Rights Activist bhi bantay hein log. Yeh wohi log hein jo Eid se aik hafta pehlay BBQ scene down kartay hein. Munh in ka roti pakarnay walay chimtay jaisay bhi nahin hota aur ban jatay hein Animal Rights Activist. In ko khud nahin pata hota ke yeh activist banay kyun hein. Aisay kafi "activists" jinhein kakh nahin pata hota kisi cheez aur mujhay pata hai aap ke dimagh mein kis ka naam chal raha hai. LULZ again.

I think I have covered pretty much everything about Eid. If I didn't, there's always a next time and I'll try to do it better if all of the above sucks.

Feel free to like, rate, comment and share. Your feedback is valuable to me.

Thank you!

Apki bachiyan bhaga chuka,

Ahsan Haseeb

Film Review: Man of Steel (2013)

My rating: ★★★★½

VERACIOUS REBIRTH OF THE MOST POWERFUL SUPERHERO OF ALL TIME.

What if a child dreamed of becoming something other than what society had intended? What if a child aspired to something greater?

Man of Steel is bigger than I first thought, a darker and grittier attempt at bringing the best and most powerful superhero of all time back to life proves to be successful (not at the box-office just like I expected but still, it's doing pretty good). Hats off to Warner Bros., Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder for making this project possible. When I first heard about the reboot and that "Christopher Nolan won't be directing the film, instead Zack Snyder will," I felt a little deceived that what have they done, why they chose Snyder, why couldn't just Nolan direct the film, my expectations went down the drain, to be honest. But I'm now more than satisfied after experiencing this action-packed, gripping and a powerful superhero film that matches and somewhat seems bigger when compared to other superhero films.

Making a Superman movie has always been hard for everyone. No one has ever been able to capture the real essence and transform it into the movie efficiently but this time, ture justice has been done to Superman. This is the Superman origin movie I've been waiting all my life to watch. Yeah, yeah, I know people are going to be like it can't compete with the original 1978 production and I kinda agree because things were different that time and making that movie in 1978 is a feat in itself, but honestly, I like this one more. It has everything I wanted, it has that darker soul I love to see in superhero films, it captures the human part of Kal-El and moreover it tells the origin story of Kal-El properly (no one has ever done it before) and I'd like to congratulate the screenwriter David S. Goyer, Nolan and Snyder for that.

The plot is obviously typical but what I love about it is how the screenplay has been written, Goyer focused more on the human part of Superman and his difficulties to survive on Earth considering the fact that he always had to conceal his true identity because people would have rejected him but when they need a saviour, that man, the Superman comes to help. There are some really good dialogues especially for Jor-El, Jonathan Kent, General Zod, Martha Kent, Lois Lane and of course, Kal-El and what makes them more is the amazing cast members, i.e. Russell Crowe, Kevin Costner, Michael Shannon, Diane Lane, Amy Adams and Henry Cavill respectively. If I had to judge this movie on the basis of only this factor, I'd give it a perfect 10, that's how phenomenal everyone is.

The planet Krypton is facing imminent destruction due to its unstable core, resulting from years of exploiting Krypton's natural resources. The ruling council is deposed by the rebel military leader, General Zod, and his followers. Scientist Jor-El and his wife Lara launch their newborn son Kal-El on a spacecraft to Earth. The infant Kal-El is raised as the adoptive son of Jonathan and Martha Kent, who name him Clark. His Kryptonian physiology affords him superhuman abilities on Earth, which initially cause him confusion, but he gradually learns to harness his powers to help others and that's where General Zod comes in after detecting the signal that Kal-El is residing on Earth so he invades and starts making things difficult for the planet Earth as well.

The action sequences with the support of cinematography by Amir Mokri and beautiful CGIs are just too damn brilliant, near-to-perfect and perfect at times. People seem to dislike the cinematography but I actually love it, I admire it for being too similar yet too different for a superhero movie. The shaky cam thing works perfectly fine for me, that's how I was actually imagining it before watching the movie and it made me really happy to see that they didn't shoot with the same predictable angles. I'd like to praise the action sequences again because I was on the edge of my seat when the choreography was happening, Snyder really knows how to shoot an action sequence and make it more astonishing with his camera work. Additionally, everyone would notice that there is a lot of destruction, almost everything gets destroyed in order to save the world and its people. What I find really annoying is that people know there is an alien invasion happening and the buildings would fall on them and they would die, but they're just standing there, seeing how the world is ending and they won't move, not even an inch. It's like they're being attention whores and they want Superman to save them. I mean, come on, let the man fight the ultimate enemy, move the hell away and run for your lives.

Of course, there are a few disappointing things, i.e., there should have been more screen time for Lois and Clark, I was hoping to see more romance between them and maybe, I'll get to see more in the sequel, since it was a origin movie and they had to focus more on where Clark came from and whether the world would accept him and it does when General Zod and his army attack the Earth, the U.S. Military realizes that Clark is an ally, he is a God to them and only he can save them. Another little disappointment is Zack Snyder's direction; it feels like a mess at one point and you can't figure out what the hell is going on and what comes after what. But it gets better as soon as you put your mind into it. I must say that this still is Snyder's finest so far, he has proved himself that he can work hard and handle something so huge like Superman. I really wish he'd overcome his flaws in the sequels and learn from his mistakes. Sometimes I also wish that Christopher Nolan had directed this movie, it would have been totally different and possibly the best Superman film of all time just like The Dark Knight Trilogy. But I'm satisfied that he was involved in the production of the movie and I hope he will carry out his role even more and guide Snyder in the future if they decide to work together. Another thing is Henry Cavill's Superman, I love darker elements of superhero movies but a superhero should be a little funny, he should have a sense of humor, like Christian Bale's Batman, we can see it throughout the Dark Knight Trilogy and that's what should have been present in Man of Steel as well. I think they will work on it in the sequel (my expectations from its sequel keep getting higher).

Finally, I'd like to say that if you think Man of Steel sucks before watching and even after watching it, then you should check out all the superheroes' origin movies, i.e., Iron Man 1, Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, Hulk, Hancock, The Punisher, Hellboy, Jonah Hex, Dredd, Watchmen, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, Blade, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Amazing Spider-Man, Green Lantern, and Batman Begins. In my opinion, Batman Begins is the best film in the sense of origin storytelling and Man of Steel comes after that and I know a lot of people are going to agree and even more people are going to disagree especially Marvel fanboys but I'm not here to judge this film as DC Universe or Marvel fanboy, I'm only judging this movie on the basis of what I saw and what I liked and what is solely my opinion. You might think the same or you might think completely opposite, that's not my problem. I love Man of Steel just like I love Batman Begins and nothing in the world can change that.

CREDITS:

Directed by: Zack Snyder
Produced by: Christopher Nolan, Charles Roven, Emma Thomas, Deborah Snyder
Screenplay and Story by: David S. Goyer, Christopher Nolan
Based on: Superman by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster
Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Kevin Costner, Diane Lane, Laurence Fishburne, Russell Crowe, Antje Traue, Ayelet Zurer, Christopher Meloni, Harry Lennix, Richard Schiff, Mackenzie Gray
Music by: Hans Zimmer
Cinematography by: Amir Mokri
Editing by: David Brenner
Studio: Legendary Pictures, Syncopy, DC Entertainment
Distributed by: Warner Bros. Pictures

Twitter Ke Namoonay

HELLO, EVERYONE!

I know it's been so long since I wrote a new post. Ho gaye hein koi pachaas hazaar saal? Sorry about that! The only reason I couldn't write was the excessive loadshedding ka azaab, AUR KIA! (and my laziness, too!) Anyway, I thought about many topics and that one topic that would gather almost every desi Internet user's attention is talking about the types of Twitter users. I'm sure a lot of people have already covered it but I still feel like I need to write about it with injecting my own "desi" tarrka into it. I'm not going to attack anyone on personal level, I'll keep it general as much as possible. Agar phir bhi kisi ko masla hua tou aap ke kitchen mein chhuri tou hogi. Apnay qulon par biryani pakwana. So, let's start this!

Sab se pehli type of Twitter users jo main discuss karna chahta hun, that would be the Phadda Party! Everyone is aware of these people. Sometimes I try to act like I'm one of them but I fail. Anyway, these boys and girls are "charismatic" and so "awesome" that it makes me yawn. Social media par beth kar gaaliyan nikalein gay lekin jab face-to-face baat tou us hiran se bhi ziada taiz dorrein gay jis ke peechay sher laga ho. (ab bohat logon ke zehen mein PML-N aa gayi ho gi, LULZ!) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is they support each other on Twitter but real life mein "dorr apni apni" wala rule apply hota hai. I hope you all are aware of this rule, if not, ja ke sou jao chup kar ke. Koi kaam nahin aap ka idhar. Is Phadda Party mein bhi ajeeb type ki cheezein nazar aati hein, I mean there are a lot of different people in this party and everyone of them likes to think they're the better phadday-baaz. The first type is the 'actual party,' jin se phadda shuru hua hota hai. You might be thinking barri koi serious baat hoti ho gi but it's not like that. They mostly fight for their girlfriends or the political parties they support and sometimes singers ke bhi phadday hotay hein. There is an example here. (really hope this hasn't happened with anyone)

Guy 1: Tu ne meri girlfriend ka tweet favorite kyun kiya, BC?

Guy 2: BC kisay bola, BC?

Guy 3: Tujhay bola BC, MC!

Guy 4: Teri khair nahin ab, BC!

And it goes on and on and on.

Ab yeh tou ho gayi actual party, is ke agay atay hein 'bilawajah taang arranay walay.' Yeh log puri conversation parh ke sochtay hein ke kis baat ka reply kar ke hero lagein gay yeh. And they reply and the phadda exapnds. Donon parties ke log aa jatay hein. And they keep BCing, MCing each other for a while. There also come 'mazay lenay walay meesnay,' who don't know half of the people, but they mostly support those who are winning the fight. Teeli laga kar mazay letay hein and then they disappear. They're just like kisi ki gali mein daigh paki aur yeh chothay muhallay se aye aur chaawal kha ke dorr gaye. And they are everywhere. I mean yeh log sirf phaddon mein nahin miltay, har taraf, har jagah, kisi na kisi tweet mein aik meesna lazmi nazar aye ga.

Honestly, yeh actual party sirf followers gain karnay ke liye phadday karti hai kyun ke donon ko lag raha hota hai ke humaray tweets parh ke awam khush ho gi aur follow karay gi. Yaaay. NO. Suno, puri dunya sirf mazay leti hai aap logon ke. Half of the people follow you because your girlfriend for whom you were fighting in the first place is hot. General example, okay? CALM YO' TIDDS!

Ab aati hai baari dunya se haaray huay logon ki, jinhon ne har waqt whine karna hota hai bas.

Aaj karelay gosht paka? Whine.

Nail toot gaya? Whine. 

Teacher ne school/college/university mein danta? Whine.

Light nahin aa rahi? Whine.

Light nahin ja rahi? Whine.

Garmi hai? Whine.

Sardi hai? Whine.

Barish ho rahi hai? Whine.

Barish nahin ho rahi? Whine.

Kenya ke junglon mein aik billi mar gayi? Whine.

Obama ne baal kaalay karwa liye? Whine.

Matlab, you get it, in logon ki zindagi mein sirf whine karna hai aur kuch bhi nahin. Yeh log tou aisay whine kartay hein jaisay pura din ghar mein chanddein parrti hein, ya agar aaloo shorba paka ho tou inhein aaloo nahin milta. Some people do it unintentionally and before they know, it becomes their habit and they're not even aware of it. Yaar koi haya nu hath maaro. (please don't use that "Haya kidhar hai?" joke, it's like a century old now) Twaddi jutti chuk ke ley geya aey koi masjid taun ya koi twannu karrway amrood khawa geya aey, masla ki aye twadda? Qabz hai agar tou doctor hein abhi is dunya mein. Koi sharmanay ki baat nahin.

A prime example of this chawalism I encountered a couple of weeks ago. Everyone knows how everyone hates Mondays. That's acceptable and avoidable but there are users who complain about Sundays, too. I mean, what the Waqar Zaka yaar? Their tweets were like, "Boring day!"; "Why do Sundays exist?"; "DAMN, day wasted!" Aisa hardly koi din aata hai jab kisi ki nazar "A worst ending to the best day" jaisay tweet par na parrey. I wonder in logon ke sath aisa hota kia hai. Kuch assumptions hein meri, none of them are funny, though:

1) In ki manhoos shakal dekh ke in logon ki billi dorr jati hai.

2) Doston ko invite kartay hein ke aaj biryani ban jaye gi is bahanay lekin tinday ban jatay hein aur phir phissay huay kaddu jaisa munh bana kar side par beth jatay hein.

3) Ghar walon se daant parrti hai because they don't use their iPads any more.

4) Kailay ke chhilkay se phissal jatay hein aur dunya ke har banday ki nazar in par hoti hai. (waisay main ne kabhi kisi ko kailay ke chhilkay se phisaltay nahin dekha real life mein) And by the way...

Kailay ka chhilka > PTCL > Ufone > Waqar Zaka > Aashiqui 2

Dil tou mera karta hai ke truck chala dun in logon par. If you guys remember Ghajini ka scene, jis mein police wala bus ke agay aa ke sasti maut marta hai. Well. Lekin nahin, that'd be too easy for them. In logon ki shalwar mein koi chooha chorr dey, ya in ki biryani mein aaloo daal dey koi. (obviously, jinhein aaloo wali biryani nahin pasand)

Now, I'm going to discuss the most known type: Political Douchebags. Kafi ziada annoying hotay hein yeh. You're talking to somebody which is not related to politics at all aur yeh janab aa ke apni chawalein thok dein gay dou teen. In ka haal tou waisa hi hai ke kisi ne dawat ki aur yeh bin bulaye mehman ban kar chalay gaye. They don't know a thing, they only tweet what they have read on social media, what anyone else has already tweeted and they think they'll look cool if they posted the same thing. (of course, alfaaz ko morr tarror kar aur phir yeh log rotay hein ke in ke tweets copy kar raha hai koi, halankay khud bhi yehi kartay hein yeh. Dimagh ki jagah ghiyya fit hai in ki khoprri mein shayad) Ab aati hai baari party supporters ki. They can't tolerate anything you say against their leaders. If you say anything in front of them, then consider it your Twitter death, unless you're a phadday baaz in which case they won't say anything to you. But they'll keep posting indirect tweets takay dil ki bharrass tou niklay, garmi kam hai bahir? Then, there come those people who like to call themselves supporters but they know chhankna about their parties, they just keep arguing with you and presenting nonsensical arguments that you don't even feel like facepalming on that. In sab logon mein aik common cheez hai, jab kuch samajh na aa raha ho tou unfollow/block kar detay hein aur phir anney waa tweets kartay hein ke kis tarah hara diya "kal ke bachay" ko. Chahay ghar mein in ka 10 saal ka bhai in ki khutti pe chapairrein maarta ho. (hopefully, you guys know what khutti is...)

There are people who post news updates of any kind. Chahay ammi ne ghar se sabzi lenay bheja ho aur sabzi walay ke paas beth kar tweet kar rahay hon ke barray authentic source se pata chali hai yeh baat. Most of the times, kuch updates jhooti hoti hein. Awein bas kisi ne shurli chorri hoti hai aur usay dekh kar sab shuru ho jatay hein. Bilkul usi tarah jaisay chowk par koi banda street light ka bulb change kar raha hota hai aur atay jatay log ruk kar usay dekhna shuru kar detay hein.

There are users jin se sab log tang hein aur woh hein followers ke bhookay, I like to call them Nadeeday. Haven't used this term for them before, though. In ke Twitter par anay ka aik hi maqsad hai ke koi sawa crore followers ho jayein, lekin tweet kuch nahin karna acha. There are some jo baap ki jageer samajh kar follow back mangtay hein, munh utha ke, like Grumpy Cat.

Then, there are those who don't ask for a follow back but as they say actions speak louder than words, yahan wohi hisaab hai. They'll keep following and unfollowing you, is umeed mein ke you'll notice them and follow them back. Majority ka yeh haal hai.

Minority: I should follow these people. Their tweets are hilarious.Majority: I should follow these people so they'll follow me back. — Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) May 26, 2013

Kuch acha tweet nahin karna because, ke kahin jo dimagh ko zang laga hua hai, woh kharaab na ho jaye. Aur bio bhi MashAllah aisa hota hai jis ke opposite hotay hein yeh log. Sarcastic likha hota hai bio mein lekin sarcasm samajh nahin aata. Photographer likha hota hai lekin yeh nahin pata hota ke photo khenchnay se pehlay lens cover utarna hota hai. Date of birth aur zodiac sign likhay hotay hein. Shayad woh log bhool jatay hein ke yeh Twitter hai, kisi najoomi ka daftar nahin. Phir woh log bhi hein jinhon ne larrkiyon se dosti karni hoti hai aur bas un ka har tweet isi baray mein hota hai. I came across a profile a few days ago. That person had mentioned almost every Pakistani girl aur har kisi se aik hi question tha, "hi, how r u?" Confidence check karein bhai ka, yeh log tou Meera Jee ko bhi peechay chorr dein. (aaafcaaurse!!!) Real mein shayad apni khala ki beti se bhi na baat hoti ho in se, woh alag baat hai.

There are people who copy your tweets, bios, usernames and whatnot. Agay se excuse kia hota hai ke, "Hum Twitter par naye hein, is liye kuch nahin pata." Dulhan bhi shadi ke baad naye ghar jati hai, woh tou nahin choriyan karti. Okay, I don't know why I said this, it doesn't even make sense and I'm not going to delete it either. Parhein aap log bhi. But seriously, why would you copy stuff, apna dimagh istemaal karo yaar. Machhli bazaar mein baichna hai ja ke agar istemaal nahin karna tou?

Phir woh log bhi hein who'll keep tweeting inteha ki chawalein on a hashtag ke bas koi notice kar ke kuch tou retweet kar hi ley ga. It only works if your tweets are good. Agar chawalein maarein gay tou jitnay followers hein woh bhi bhag jayein gay. Aur phir gaaliyan nikaltay hein jaisay woh followers nahin gaye, balkay kamaiti ley ke dorr gaya koi in ki. Phir woh log bhi hein jinhon ne sirf mentions karnay hein, majaal hai ke jo tweet kar dein koi yeh. Pichhattar sou dafa sochtay hon gay ke tweet kia karein aur phir end pe thak haar ke aik tweet kartay hein aur woh bhi, "Lovely weather." Facepalm karnay ka dil karta hai na? Na sar na paon, lekin bas tweet kar diya aur phir yeh tweet kartay hein ke, "no one retweets my tweets." Bhui, pehlay apna account unprotected karo, andar kia waddi phuppo ka jahaiz chhupaya hua hai jo privacy lagayi hui hai itni?

There are the football/cricket fanatics, jin ki wajah se timeline ki raftaar roshni ki raftaar se bhi ziada taiz ho jati hai. Har banda GOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL walay tweets karta hai, is tarah cheekhtay hein sab jaisay kisi ka Yamma (Yamaha motorcycle) start ho gaya hai. Apnay thakay huay analysis kartay jayein gay, jaisay Sir Alex Ferguson ko inhon ne hi manager banaya tha. Phir aik dusray ke khilaaf tweet karein gay ke tumhara club yeh, tumhara club woh. Marnay wali haalat ho jati hai in logon ki, jaisay in ke jaib kharch pe hi guzara kartay hein clubs walay. Kuch logon ko pata puta kuch hota nahin lekin woh actual mein match dekhtay hein takay baqi awam ko join kar sakein. Ab coolness ka sawaal hai, itna tou karna parrey ga. Kuch log match tak nahin dekhtay lekin kuch tweets kartay hein teams aur supporters ka mazaq urranay ke liye. (yeh harkatein main bhi karta hun aksar) In football fanatics ke paas inteha ka knowledge hota hai, no doubt, lekin SARA GHALAT. They keep posting tweets like a maniac aur jab koi aur apnay passion/interest pe is tarah tweet karay tou they're like, "timeline ko ganda matt karo." Qasam se dil karta hai ghar warr ke chapairrein lagaye banda in ke. Tum karo tou tweets, koi aur karay tou gandagi? Saaein tou saaein, saaein ki logic bhi saaein. Phir tableegh karnay walay log bhi atay hein. They appear out of nowhere aur apni taraf se barri naseehatein kartay hein, khud chahay takkay ka bhi amal na kartay hon un pe. Lekin tweet kar ke tou yehi dikhana hai ke in se ziada honest insaan dunya mein aur koi nahin. Chahay dusri tab pe koi fahaash website khuli ho. Who knows? (waisay abhi bohat logon ne pichli line parh ke apnay browser ki tabs check ki hon gi ke aisi waisi website tou nahin open. BAND KAR WEBSITE HARAAMZAADAAYYY!!!) Anyway. Some people tweet, "Yeh aik yahoodi saazish hai!" Some people take it too seriously, aur phir apni conspiracy theories shuru kar detay hein. Jitnay conspiracy theorists humaray mulk mein hein, shayad hi kahin aur hon itnay. Niklay hotay hein ghar se dahi lenay aur chowk mein beth ke discussion ho rahi hoti hai, "Aey jo kara reya aey, Amreeka kara reya aey!" And then they tweet about it. Aur jab ghar atay hein tou ammi se alag chhittar khatay hein.

There are also some really good Twitter users jinhein waqai follow karnay ka dil karta hai. They post amazing tweets, they are not spammers, they don't seek fraaandship and they don't ask anyone for a follow back.

Last but not the least, there are some users who abuse a lot. Awein baat baat pe gaaliyan aur woh bhi barri barri, gandi gandi, wahiyat qism ki. You can't blame them, though, yeh desiyon ka swag hai. Jaisay firangiyon ka swag hai lekin un ke kuch log un ka mazaq bhi urratay hein, waisay hi halaat yahan bhi hein. Yahan ka swag gaaliyan dena hai aur jo nahin detay, woh ya tou hanstay hein ya taptay hein. But really, jo koi gaali dey raha hai, usay denay dou, apka kia ja raha hai. Unfollow kar dou, awein mention kar ke phadda kis baat ka, chaachay ka puttar hai woh aap ke? Waisay, mostly gaaliyan denay walay log wohi hein jo sakht garmi mein jacket pehan kar phirtay hein aur jab un se pucha jaye ke jacket kyun pehni hai tou they're like, "Fashion hai, aap ko kuch nahin pata." Allah bachaye aisay fashion se.

So, I think I've covered almost all the types. But then again, there are so many of them, this post will never end. Honestly, sari game RTs aur Followers ki hoti hai. Anyway, I should hit the brakes for a while and let you people read it.

Feel free to rate, like, comment, and share.

Regards,

Apki bachiyan bhaganay wala, Ahsan Haseeb

66th Annual Cannes Film Festival Awards

The 66th annual Cannes Film Festival took place from 15th to 26th May 2013 in Cannes, France. The festival opened with Baz Luhrmann's epic romantic drama film THE GREAT GATSBY and closed with Jérôme Salle's crime film ZULU.  THE BLING RING, directed by Sofia Coppola, opened the Un Certain Regard section. Steven Spielberg was the head of the jury for main competition and along with him, there were Daniel Auteuil (French actor), Vidya Balan, Ang Lee, Nicole Kidman, Naomi Kawase (Japanese film director), Cristian Mungiu (Romanian film director), Christoph Waltz and Lynne Ramsay (Scottish film director) were also the members of the jury for main competition. New Zealand film director Jane Campion was the head of the jury for the Cinéfondation and Short Film sections.

The French film BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOUR directed by Abdellatif Kechiche won the Palme d'Or. In an unprecedented move, the Jury decided to take "the exceptional step" of awarding the film's two main actresses with the Palme d'Or along with the director.

It is completely obvious that I haven't watched any of these films as I didn't attend the festival but I like to keep track of who won which award so it becomes easier for me in the future. There were a lot of brilliant films in the festival and I'm hoping to watch all of them. One film at a time.

Here is the complete list of winners:

In Competition

Palme d'Or: Blue Is the Warmest Colour by Abdellatif Kechiche

• Honorary Palme d'Or: Adèle Exarchopoulos and Léa Seydoux for Blue Is the Warmest Colour

Grand Prix: Inside Llewyn Davis by Joel & Ethan Coen

Best Director: Amat Escalante for Heli

Best Screenplay: Jia Zhangke for A Touch of Sin

Best Actress:  Bérénice Bejo for The Past

Best Actor: Bruce Dern for Nebraska

Jury Prize: Like Father, Like Son by Hirokazu Koreeda

Un Certain Regard

Prize of Un Certain Regard:  The Missing Picture by Rithy Panh

Un Certain Regard Special Jury Prize: Omar by Hany Abu-Assad

Un Certain Regard Best Director: Alain Guiraudie for Stranger by the Lake

Un Certain Regard Best First Film: Fruitvale Station by Ryan Coogler

A Certain Talent:  Diego Quemada-Diez for The Golden Cage

Parallel sections

Caméra d'Or: Ilo Ilo by Anthony Chen

Directors' Fortnight

• Art Cinema Award:  Me, Myself and Mum by Guillaume Gallienne


• Prix SACD:  Me, Myself and Mum by Guillaume Gallienne


• Europa Cinemas: The Selfish Giant by Clio Barnard


• Premier Prix Illy for Short Filmmaking: A Wild Goose Chase by Joao Nicolau


• Special Mention: About a Month by Andre Novais Oliveira

Independent Awards

FIPRESCI Prize

• In Competition: Blue Is the Warmest Colour by Abdellatif Kechiche


• Un Certain Regard: Manuscripts Don't Burn by Mohammad Rasoulof


• Directors' Fortnight: Blue Ruin by Jeremy Saulnier

Ecumenical Jury

Prize of the Ecumenical Jury: The Past by Asghar Farhadi

Commendations:

• Miele by Valeria Golino


• Like Father, Like Son by Hirokazu Koreeda

Queer Palm Jury

Queer Palm Award: Stranger by the Lake by Alain Guiraudie

Palm Dog Jury

Palm Dog Award: Baby Boy in Behind the Candelabra

Rangeen Neighbourhood

"Mera naam hai Ahsan Haseeb aur main hun aik happy muhallay daar." (I know this is UBL's promo line, I just thought of using it awein hi!) Neighbourhood. We all live in a nice one and since I haven't seen any desi tarrkay wali post about it anywhere else, so I thought I should give it a try and share what I think of neighbourhoods and especially the people (+ the namoonay) with all of you.

There are a lot of different and interesting characters that live in your street. All it takes is take some time off from whatever you do regularly and observe everyone in your muhalla. I did it! Well, because I'm pretty waila at the moment and also because I like it, aik alag hi hobby hai yeh people watching wali bhi. Jis ne bhi shuru ki thi woh saray stalkers ka peyo hai! Anyway. I got to observe a lot of unusual and weird characters in the past couple of days and I must admit that I enjoyed it a bit. Made me laugh.

The first character and the funniest one is the extreme "poond" of your muhalla. Is banday ne kisi larrki ko nahi bakhsha, har aati jati larrki pe is ne line maarni hoti hai and what's worse is that they call their every friend up and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is, "Jaldi pohanch, bohat mahaul hai." . He's probably a college drop out and doesn't do anything at all and even if he does, he leaves the work at noon and starts roaming around in streets on his "cool" bike (which isn't really cool at all, dekh ke dil karta hai foran se paishtar aag laga dun!). I also thought of a special term to describe him and that term is Najayez Shahrukh Khan. (I swear it sounded really funny in my head when I was observing him). In "poonds" ki koi age restriction nahi, I have even seen 25-year-olds, I'm pretty sure a lot of people have seen them, too. Yeh hotay hein frustration ke maaray ke why the hell are they not getting married. Yaar, kaam karo gay tou shaadi hogi na. Awein koi utha ke apni beti dey dey aap ko? Ja ke 3 Idiots dekho pehlay, idiot admi! This guy ends his day with smoking a cigarette (probably Benson & Hedges ke packet mein K2) and doing a shodi of what we call "wheeliyan". One-wheeling kiye beghair in hazraat ka din pura nahi hota aur jab chott lagti hai tou marnay walay huay hotay hein. Bazu pe halkay se bruises hotay hein aur ji Shaukat Basra ki tarah sar pe puray hospital mein maujood pattiyan bandhwa letay hein. In se door hi rahiye warna yeh apko bhi apnay jaisa kar dein gay!

Moving on to what I call a "khar dimagh" muhallay daar. Yeh log har waqt ghussay mein rehtay hein. Subah office jatay huay ghussa, office se wapis aye tou tab bhi ghussa! Nass nass mein bhara hai in ke ghussa. Lagta hai in logon ko apni biwiyon se aala qism ki kutt parrti hogi. If somebody parks their car in front of this khar dimagh muhalla daar's house then what happens has been briefly explained in the tweet below.

#FavouritePunjabiLines: "Aey gaddi twaddi aey?" ... "Aho!" ... "Tey apnay buway aggay khilaro, meray naal pehn veyayi aey?

— Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) March 18, 2013

It gets worse at times. Chapairrein shapairrein aur kussun mukkay aur pata nahi kia kia. In uncles se jitna door raha jaye, apki zindagi utni hi asaan hai. Ya agar itna hi shoq hai tou every time you see them, greet them with a genuine smile on your face. It will make them feel good. I have tried it. Ab pata nahi woh uncle tharki thay ya  waqayi mein he felt good. God knows!

:bell baji aik dum: "KOOOOONNN?" ... "Aunty, ball ayi hai apke ghar!" Now, there are two possibilities to this situation. Either it's "Aik second beta, abhi deti hun!" or it's "Chalo nasso aidron, beghairato! Koi nai milni baal shaal." It all depends on how you treat your neighbours lekin kuch auntiyon ko wakhri hi koi tapp hoti hai galli ke har bachay pe because in that pack of kids, there is that one kid jo sab ke gharon ki bellein baja ke bhagta hai but he never gets caught. Is baat ka badla woh aunty ball phaarr ke bahir gali mein phenk kar utaarti hein. In bachon mein woh bachay bhi hein jo bilawajah gali mein idhar udhar dorrtay rahein gay. Na koi maqsad na kuch aur phir jab chott lagay gi tou muhallay ke usi "poond" pe ilzaam aye ga ke, "Haaaye, munda maar ditta aes bekaar insaan ne!" Waisay us poond ki aik counter-part larrki poond bhi hoti hai. I'm sorry, girls, but it is true and you are gonna have to accept it. Yeh larrkiyan kabhi kabhi un male "poonds" se bhi chaar hath agay hoti hein. Aur jab pakri jati hein ghar tou they put all the blame on those male "poonds". Matlab ke, puray muhallay ich sab taun kutteyan aali ausay poond naal e hondi aey!

There are those aunties jo muhallay mein larraiyan karwati hein. We call them Phaphay Kuttniyan. Idhar ki sun ke udhar teeli laga di, udhar se sun ke kahin aur teeli laga di. Yehi maqsad hai in auntiyon ka bas. Apnay bachay vi nai saambhdi aey auntiyan tey! In auntiyon se bachnay ka aik hi tareeqa hai ke inhein kuch bataya hi na jaye. Trust me, I have met a lot of aunties of this type and may God have mercy upon us, these aunties can make you look like a complete fool. Yeh wohi auntiyan hein jo har larrki ko "Beta tumhari shadi bhi bas honay wali hai!" wali line bolti hein. Kuch auntiyan woh bhi hein jo din mein pichhattar crore rotiyan khati hein aur phir shaam ko gali mein walk karti nazar aati hein. Why? Because screw logic, that's why! In auntiyon ka aik kilo wazan kam ho jaye tou in se barra "fitness expert" hi koi nahi hota puri dunya mein.

Another thing that gathers my attention is the increase in street crimes. I have experienced it, too. In October 2011, two guys on a motorcycle (probably chori ki) snatched my phone, my wallet and a 1.5 liter bottle of Coke (sab se ziada ghussa isi baat ka aya tha mujhay, LOL. Okay, sorry!). I asked them to at least give me my sim card back so that I wouldn't have to go and get it blocked. You know what the guy said? "Denna main tennu sim!" And, then he pushed my away and they rode away. (Note: THOSE GUYS HAD A FREAKING GUN!) You can't do anything when someone is pointing a gun towards you and that, too, so close. Unless you're the Great Gama or even Punjabi films ka hero, jo pachaas lakh goliyan khanay ke bawajud chal phir raha hota hai. So hardcore. What I'm trying to say is that your muhallay daar don't move forward to help you, usually. When this incident was happening, I could clearly see an uncle who was watching this whole scene from his balcony but he didn't bother to do anything. I hate that uncle (dil karta hai bori banwa dun unki kisi din). I know what you're thinking. "Gali ka chokidar kidhar tha?" Right? No? :okay face: The chokidaars are sleeping while sitting on their seats every time you see them. Aik dou ghantay seetiyan maari aur phir ghoray baich ke sotay rahay puri raat.

The thing that annoys me the most is I can clearly hear all sorts of noises but when I start playing drums tou sab ko keerra larr jata hai koi. They couldn't see my happy? Well, that was my previous neighbourhood. Is naye walay mein no tension, piyo Benson, khush raho Ahsan type scene hai. (I don't smoke, that's just a lame shayari. Not even shayari, actually!)

There is another type, too. MY TYPE! They don't make any friends because they don't really like people. They like to live in their own world or just hang out with those people who they REALLY like (zabardasti!). Is tarah ke log are socially awkward but once they're frank with you, you'd see their awesome side. (LULZ!)

Sab baaton ki aik baat. Neighbourhood is an essential part of our lives. We can't live where there is nobody to interact with. Akelay deewarein dekh dekh ke banda mar jaye. I'm absolutely sure that there are a lot of other characters who are even more interesting and maybe, I'll cover them sometime in future (nangay nahi ghoom rahay woh tou don't take it in that sense. I mean un ke baaray mein likhun ga. Okay, this was a terrible joke!).

Tab tak ke liye... feel free to like and comment!

Regards,

Apka bhai. 

Jobless Honay Ki Kahani, Aik Lifeless Banday Ki Zubani.

As you know I'm "jobless" at the moment, I decided to take some time off from my regular activities and write about how "exciting" my life really is these days. :yawns: I graduated in August 2012 (I'm an ACCA affiliate and I also have a BSc. (Hons.) in Applied Accounting degree, Alhamdulillah. And ladies, please, no rishta scene for a while, okay?). I still remember that was one of the happiest days of my life that I finally achieved what I had been wishing for since 2010 and I would enter the corporate world and start working like those accountants you see on TV series/movies (too much influence, I know). But the truth is, I have never been so wrong and let me tell you HOW.

I applied at a few companies of my choice right after I graduated and was hoping that I would get a lot of calls for interviews and whatnot. But... NO ONE CALLED ME BACK! I'm not frustrated by this, it's their loss, why would I worry about it? No, I'm not worrying about it. If I find something offensive, that would be this ridiculous fact that a lot of Pakistani companies NEVER respond to your queries. They never send you a rejection letter, they never let you know that you were not selected. Aik basic tameez hoti hai ke yaar apki company pe kisi ne apply kiya hai tou agar woh vacany nahi available tou bata hi dou baqi sab ko, takay woh martay dum tak intezar tou na karein. And when I call them up, they say, "Sir, jobs available hi nahi hein, hum kia karein? Aap elections ke baad apply kijiye ga." What am I supposed to do until then? Koi political party join kar ke unki campaign mein dhamalein daalun? They're kinda right, you know. There are no jobs, thanks to our own PPP. "Roti, Kapra aur Makaan" ka naara tou laga diya lekin jin ke paas yeh sab tha bhi, ab unke paas bhi nahi raha. I can't blame them, though. It's our own fault. Anyway, I was talking about the basic tameez. I don't know about you guys but I never got any response from any of the companies. Maybe, I applied at the wrong companies or maybe, I'm BAD LUCK BRIAN in this particular matter.

Another thing that gets on my nerves is misleading job advertisements. A couple of months ago, I saw this ad posted on a social networking site, I opened the link to get on the official page of that certain organization. That post was something like this (not the exact format, I don't remember the designation and besides, I want to highlight the qualification and experience requirements):

Qualification: ACCA Finalist

Experience: 5-6 years

THIS IS FUNNY!!! They wanted an ACCA finalist but the one with 5-6 years of experience. Is this a joke or what? I think they are the pioneers of trolling. I almost applied at this organization after having seen that I was meeting their qualification requirement but when I scrolled down and saw the experience requirement, I closed that page. How on earth an ACCA finalist will get the experience of so many years!? If there were 2-3 years, I would have agreed with it a bit as ACCA affiliates are required to get 3 years practical experience to become members. But that's not the question here. I mean, WHY? As Veena Malik would say, "Mufti sahab, yeh kia baat hui!?" These job posters need some lectures or something to learn how to post a job properly. I'm not going to disclose the name of the organization, but I've actually told a few people about it and they were as angry as I was at that moment.

#10ThingsIGetAlot 1.Job mili? 2.Job mili? 3.Job mili? 4.Job mili? 5.Job mili? 6.Job mili? 7.Job mili? 8.Job mili? 9.Job mili? 10.Job mili?

— Ahsan Haseeb (@ahsanhaseeb) March 15, 2013

LULZ. The above tweet is a fine example of my interaction with almost every family member at any gathering. Whenever I meet somebody, the first question that comes out of their mouth is, "Job mili, Ahsan?" KIA YAAAR!? Main koi Indiana Jones hun jo adventure pe nikla hua hun aur job koi hidden treasure hai jo mujhay mil jaye ga? And, by the way...

Job hunting > The adventures of Indiana Jones

But, honestly, I'm fed up of these questions. I've had enough of it. Aunty, agar mujhay job mil jaye gi tou main sab se pehlay aap ko hi bataun ga. Chill karein. The funny bit is that even those people ask me this question who don't do anything at all. No job, no family business. Nothing at all. I think they just do it to annoy me like anything and they have accomplished that mission, to some extent. Obviously, I get frustrated by answering the same damn question over and over again. It's an equivalent of that beta, tumhari bhi shadi honay wali hai bas! statement that aunties say to every other girl they see. The only difference is I actually have to provide them with an answer. Otherwise, they think I'm not "serious" and I don't wanna work. Uncle pls! Main ne ghar mein bethnay ke liye nahi ki parhayi! Aap ja ke apna tidd andar karein pehlay. And there are those uncles who always ask for your CV every time you meet them. They're like, "Beta, mujhay apna CV dey dou. Job pakki samjho bas apni." These uncles are even worse than those people who ask you that "Job mili?" question. Yeh uncles bilawajah ke laaray laga detay hein lekin job par nahi lagwa kar detay. I'm sure there are a lot of people who have experienced this at least once in their lives. What can we do? CV tou dena parrta hai warna apko apke abba jee ki death stares se koi nahi bacha sakta baad mein. Just kidding (I wish I were).

I recently applied at Coca Cola for Management Training Program (I know, you already know about it and if you didn't, welcome to the club), took their test and after waiting for two weeks (17 days, to be precise), I got a text message that I have passed their test and I will be shortly contacted for further interview processes. THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT THIS! I was so happy that day. A PAKISTANI company gave me a response and that, too, positive. A million thanks to Allah! But that still won't change what I think about their "basic tameez" of replying to job applicants. Anyway, I'm still awaiting the call for "further interview processes". Hopefully, they would contact me before the next government dissolves. Let's drink Coke to that! (they did not ask me to do this, I swear. I just love Coke way too much!)

After doing all this bakwas, I still have to say something. Never lose hope. This is the real lesson I've learned in this phase. Jab qismat mein likha hoga, rizq tab hi milay ga. No one can do anything to change that. We can try, of course and we need to. Koshish ke beghair tou aaj kal larrki bhi set nahi hoti. Yes, I also give dating tips at times.

Anyway... "Just chill, you'll get a job one day." That's what I tell myself everyday. And Insha'Allah, I WILL!

Yours truly,

Another jobless citizen of Pakistan but the cooler one (Is bongi pe mera watercooler banta hai Tariq Aziz ki taraf se)

Reminder

Hello, all! In case, you're not seeing any latest reviews, go to Quick Reviews page and you'll see a couple of short reviews (I'll keep updating that page). I'll only post full reviews on major films and only those will be shown on my home page and archives. Thank you!